How are you doing?

I ran into a friend at work a few days ago and promised I would write more. I also promised a friend from church and I have been TERRIBLE about it. So to them I say I'm sorry.

I know there were people who were concerned and thinking of me around the year anniversary of Kendra's death. I am grateful to know that people care. It means a lot to me.

On the one year anniversary of my babies death I had a day just like any other day. I felt a little astonished that it had already been a full year since we said our goodbyes.  I still hear her little voice in my head telling me, "mommy, I don't want you to be sad." She said those words to me on a night shortly after her first chemo treatment when I was feeling particularly sad about the idea of her dying.  I have no doubt in my mind that her little soul is standing there whispering in my ear during those times when I am feeling particularly desperate to see her little face and hold her close again.

I think I got off easily on the one year anniversary. The last couple of days have been a bit rough. I look at the video montage of Kendra and I think how could God take that precious little girl from me because I needed her so much, and then I realize he needed her too and she earned glory in the life to come. I guess it sucks to be me.

I often think how glad I am that she will never know the malice of the world outside my front door. I am so grateful that she will only know the joy and love of being with our savior. And I am so grateful that I have a testimony of a life after death and the pure love of Christ because with out the thought that I will see her again I am not so sure I would be coping as well as I do, most of the time.

I recently decided to take my children out of school and am quickly finding out how much work it is to prepare a days worth of work and activities to keep young minds engaged and excited...

I spent about six hours over the last three days in a school supply store sifting through the wide range of possible curricula available in search of something that will encourage my children to think for themselves and not simply follow along and be told what to do. I hope that by having them learn at home and adding in some moral instruction they will be able to stand firm when they see things happening that they disagree with.

I am of the opinion that good, solid leadership skills are sadly lacking in our society. There are many out there who are opinionated and passionate, however, they haven't been taught basic moral values or they choose to disregard them saying they are old fashioned and inhibitory.

I am interested in hearing what others think about public school and home schooling. This is a great conversation to have about our children, they are the future after all!

One flew over the cuckoos nest AND I just may follow...

I know I have been gone for what seems like forever, but writing truly is therapeutic so I am back...

Many of my friends are aware of the trying situation I have been having with Dakota. I was totally amazed at how word spreads faster than fire around the neighborhood when a juicy piece of gossip slips from an innocent siblings mouth.  I had no sooner got home from the hospital than I had people calling to find out if everything was okay and if they could help somehow.

Now don't get me wrong if no one had called I would have felt seriously abandoned and unloved... so thank you all for your love and support!  But I can just imagine the telephone wires around my neighborhood buzzing with the news of Dakota's most recent incident, which is likely going to cost me thousands... say good bye to your education fund my dear. All those docs in the PICU will be sending their kids to college with it.

Now, I know people are just a bit curious and have good intentions, but I am seriously wondering when another family in the neighborhood will be taking our place on the stage. Dakota has decided that he has had enough of "drama" as he calls it, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was born into a family that knows nothing but drama, and if he has had enough he may have to disown us all and move to Siberia!

I read another blog tonight where someone wondered why a child "watching her in action" would choose to come to her family and have her as a mother and I have OFTEN asked my self the same question after some contemplation about my children. I think I have an answer. Its something like this...we were all in heaven and God took us aside one by one and showed us potential life situations and we watched with our innocent unknowing eyes and thought oh that won't be so bad. I can do that! Give me the toughest challenge so I can make you proud! And then we came to Earth and got our wake up call!  Not that it is our parents fault at all, but rather that the mere fact of living in this world brings heart ache and uncertainty into our lives for the sake of learning and growth not just for our children but for us as parents. At this point I feel like I have learned QUITE enough and am ready for my vacation package I was promised at the end... I'm imagining nice warm beaches in some tropical paradise with a cool breeze and all the food I can eat, never ending strawberry daiquiri's (virgin of course), NEVER getting fat and absolutely no cares in the world ... "sigh".

So to that dear sweet friend who is contemplating bringing another child into this world I just want you to know that as a mother of six heartbroken and traumatized children, "I FEEL YOUR PAIN!" My favorite quote is from Mother Theresa who said, "I know God only gives us what we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much!"

We had a piece of Heaven...

In 2004 I was in the middle of earning a double bachelors at the University of Utah. I had been a single mom of four and had just remarried. My life was full of new beginnings and moving forward from some of the most difficult times I have ever endured.

I had been waiting for years to go back to school and be able to become self reliant. I wanted to get to a point where I never needed to lean on someone else financially again. This goal was my ultimate dream. It was my way to ensure that my children and I would never have to go with out because of someones bad financial decisions.

In the summer of 2004 not many months after my marriage I found out that I was pregnant. I was a mass of mixed emotions. Joy and delight with the idea of having a new person enter my family. Fear and reticence because I knew I was not in a position to support one more person and I was in the middle of trying to get my bachelors so I could improve my families financial position.

Looking back I recall sitting in the doctors office, receiving verification that I was expecting. I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears streamed down my face. It was the first time in all my pregnancies that I had a sense of hesitation and a desire not to be pregnant. How was I going to make it through school with another child on the way? How was I going to take care of her when I couldn't even take care of the ones I already had.

I had no idea that God was about to change my life forever. I had no idea that God had decided to send a piece of heaven in to my life even if it was only for a brief time...

Kendra was born on March 3rd 2005. I recall looking her over as she lay in my arms for the first  time. She was so tiny, just 5 lbs 14 oz. I was amazed at the fact that somehow nature had seen fit to give this tiny little angel a double chin to match her grandmothers!

As I held her I looked at the shape of her face, her mouth, her nose, her arms and legs, her feet and her hands...As I ran my eyes across her hands laughter escaped me as I noticed how very square they were. They literally looked like little squares with one uneven edge where her finger tips were.  I had no idea at the time how much I would come to absolutely love and adore those precious little hands.

I have two casts of her hands and I still look at them everyday and think how perfect her little hands were and how much I wish I could hold them again. One of Kendra's favorite things to do was to paint her fingernails. She liked pink but I loved red on her. She had the most perfectly shaped fingers and finger nails. When I painted her finger nails a particular shade of red they reminded me of cherries.  We laid her to rest with a light shade of pink on her nails and a brand new tube of pink lip gloss in her hand. She was the ultimate girl and loved having glossy lips and painted finger tips. Lip gloss, fingernail polish and Barbie cartoons were her tools for passing the time while she spent two months of her life in a tiny room up at Primary Children's Hospital.

She couldn't leave her room; which was pressurized to keep the air from the hall way out of her room. The air in her room was filtered for her protection. Flowers were not allowed on the unit where Kendra stayed because they were invariably crawling with germs that could prove fatal to a child with no immune system.

As I contemplate my life I can't even imagine what my life would be like now if she had not come in to it. I didn't want to be pregnant when I found out I was having Kendra. I was filled with dread for how another child could prevent my progress. Now I realize how she helped speed up my growth and progress and I would give up EVERYTHING I own to have her back!

A wolf in sheeps clothing.

This story is very close to my heart. It isn't meant to upset or offend it is just a rendition of a part of my life. Anyone who passionately approves of DCFS may want to turn back now...if not lets go for a walk down memory lane.

Some of you know about my drama with Division of Child and Family Services. (DCFS.) Let me tell you... their name fits them perfectly! (Divide the child and the family).  Maybe I am being too harsh, because I know they have a  new director who really wants to focus on keeping families together and maybe they are better at it than they used to be, but from what I have seen and know of them there were some who took pleasure in power tripping and dividing the child from the family.

I used to be CERTAIN that if DCFS took a child from their parents it was ABSOLUTELY in the best interest of the child. I had to learn the hard way that evil does exist and it likes to disguise it's self as a "caring, compassionate social worker."  Now I am not saying I am a perfect mother, heaven knows I have made my share of mistakes, however, I can say I am a passionate mother and I have actually taken a physical hit for my children. I will go to the matt for them EVERY TIME!

For those of you who don't know the story, I am going to recount parts of it so you can get an understanding of why I am so adverse to DCFS as an entity and their tactics. Their "mission" and their "goals" seem to be a worthy enough cause, but they are SORELY under trained, under staffed, and under funded to be taking on the types of situations they are attempting to rectify.

I am able to recognize that there are good people who are working for "the Devil Corporation" aka: DCFS. I even know one person who was fired because she refused to lie about a family. So please don't think that I hate all people employed there. There are only a select few that I used to pray that God would strike them with boils that itched, burned, and oozed.  And even those I have come to forgive...somewhat.  Well I no longer pray for them to suffer. And I think I can manage to not feel anger toward them as long as I don't ever have to look at them again.

But anyway back to the reason for my prayers of vengeance.  Julian was 22  months old and I had noticed an infection on his big toe. I had taken him to our pediatrician who had given me instructions to care for it and wanted to see him back in a couple of days. So that dreadful day I was preparing to take Julian to the doctor. My sister was with me that day as well as her son. I figured it would be a good idea to get a load of laundry going and some dishes put away before we left so I asked Jordan (my nephew) to put the dishes away, he was 7 at the time, and I went into the laundry room which was just off of the kitchen.  as I was starting the washer I heard a whimper from the kitchen so I stopped to listen and then I heard an all out scream of terror! So I ran out of the laundry room and into the kitchen where I saw Julian standing in our kitchen sink with steam rising out around him.

 

Julian just before he was burned ~ 20 months 

(This picture was used in the news broadcast I did about water heater safety)

I snatched him out of the sink, turned the water to straight cold and put him back under the cold water to try to stop the burn from going deeper.  I called the paramedics immediately and as I sat on the phone talking I realized, "they're going to think I did this!" I knew in my heart that something really bad was about to come down.

We took Julian up to Primary Children's Medical Center. Once we were there various people came to ask me what had happened. I was so shaken by seeing Julian standing in scalding water I did my best to tell them what had happened as I remembered it. I stayed in the hospital with Julian for three days while they treated his wounds. He had second degree burns on his lower right and left legs, the tops of his feet, and the backs of his thighs. When I took him out of the water the skin on his feet and lower legs was hanging like huge blisters that had popped.

The nurses wanted me to change his bandages. I couldn't do it, every time I saw his raw flesh I was sick to the point of passing out. But the nurses kept encouraging me to give it a try so they could send him home. Someone had to be able to change his bandages three times a day before he could go home. I had NO IDEA what lay just hours ahead...

It was a Friday afternoon around 4:00 pm when a DCFS case worker along with several security guards came into the hospital room and informed me, "we have taken custody of Julian, and you need to leave the premises now"

I was in utter shock. I begged the case worker to allow someone from the family to stay. I told her "If you think I did this fine... I will leave, but please let someone that Julian knows, someone who wasn't there when it happened stay with him so he doesn't have to be in a strange place all alone." The answer was a solid and resounding NO. I went home worrying that Julian would be in pain and they wouldn't know or he would be scared and no one would be there to comfort him.

I was never informed that DCFS was going to court to get custody of Julian. The reason given for taking custody, I later found out, was "the child is in immediate need of medical attention and the father is incarcerated."  I find my self asking why didn't the judge ask where I was at? Why didn't I get a chance to speak to the judge? 

I find it appalling that our state can come and take custody of any child with out even telling the parent they have a hearing pending. Which was the first of many grievous acts of contempt against me. Of course they do have a mandatory 48 hour shelter hearing, to determine if removal was appropriate, at which my attorney failed to represent my interests or those of my children. He never told the judge that the doctors had investigated the burns and determined they were accidental. DCFS stated that there was an ongoing investigation and that due to the ongoing investigation they needed to take my other two children into custody because of "sibling at risk" They never bothered to tell the judge about the hospitals investigation or ruling either.  Or that the doctors had already informed them that previous Friday (prior to them taking custody) that the burn patterns didn't correspond with the type of burns sustained when a child's leg is forcefully immersed in standing scalding water.

Many other egregious acts of abuse against my civil rights were carried out through the next several months. My rights to visitation were taken from me because "I couldn't protect my children from my ex" who had broken my nose in front of them, and because one of my children had (according to what the DCFS case worker told the judge) walked in and witnessed pornographic materials that my husband was looking at while I was asleep. Apparently one of the kids got up in the middle of the night and my ex was watching some smut show on the t.v. and he saw it. I still do not know if this is true to this day, but because I didn't stop these things from happening they claimed I couldn't protect my children.  I think it is important to mention that my ex who perpetrated these acts never lost visitation rights. Does that make sense? Nothing really changed for him at all. He went to work all week as a truck driver, came home on the week ends and saw his kids- just like before.

The case worker also stated to the judge that I should not see my children because I was too "fragile" because of things that had happened to me as a child. So again because of someone else's acts toward me I could not see my children. On top of that the only way that the case worker could have found out about my childhood was if a therapist had breached confidentiality. Which is exactly what happened.

I was required to take my children to counseling with counselors that DCFS's chose not me. These counselors were contracted to DCFS. Doesn't that seem WRONG? If your not sure why I think it is wrong it's because if you are getting your paycheck from DCFS shouldn't it be a conflict of interest to be writing letters about a family you are treating to the court? How impartial is the opinion that is bought and paid for?

After breaching confidentiality to DCFS, either DCFS or the counselor again breached confidentiality when they required me to get a psychiatric evaluation and they told the person who was doing it all my past history.  The funny thing was, this counselor that was chosen to do my psych eval kept telling me "you just need to trust your self and follow your own instincts."  I kept thinking, "my instincts are telling me NOT to trust YOU!" 

I was told that I had to have marriage counseling with Ryan before I could have my kids back, but I couldn't have counseling with him because there was a no contact order between us from when he broke my nose (this was also why he was in jail when Julian was burned). I told the case worker that I wanted to leave Ryan and she said "well you can't leave him because if you do you wont be able to support your kids so we can't give them back to you". This left me in a bit of a quandary as to how was I going to get my kids back if I couldn't do the counseling and I couldn't divorce him? I had to do a LOT of stuff to get the no contact order removed.

I never did tell them I had filed for divorce just prior to Julian getting burned.  I decided I would just play their game and when they were gone that's when I would get out of my bad marriage.  The funny thing is once I gave up on our marriage that was when Ryan decided he was happy with how things were going. He was getting everything his way and I was holding my peace and biding my time.

At one point I had completed all the tasks that DCFS had assigned me to do, such as group counseling and classes etc; so I thought I would be getting my children back, but instead the judge said to me "I know you have complied with the court order but I can't give them back to you yet, we just don't know what could happen if I do"  I thought OMG!! they could keep ANYONE'S children for a reason like that! I was devastated I had done everything they wanted and they were still keeping my kids. I couldn't fathom it. The entire situation was so beyond my ability to comprehend. How could these people really think what they were doing was right?

During this entire thing I was hiding my pregnancy with Elisabeth, which caused a great deal of stress because I was terrified they would find out I was pregnant with her and then try to take her from me.  When family preservation came in after I got the kids back it did get out that I was pregnant. I had let Dakota feel Elisabeth move and he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to say anything about it and well the cat was out of the bag at that point. That's when the case worker started to nit pick about details, when is the baby due? where will you have it? who is your doctor?  I refused to give them any information at all.  But I was under so much stress that a month before my due data I started to go into pre term labor. I spent a week in the hospital, but eventually convinced the Dr. I would stay in bed if he would let me go home. I needed to be with my kids at that point. So he did let me go with strict instructions I was not to do ANY THING besides get up and go to the bathroom.  I stayed in bed a week and at that point I was only two weeks away from my due date so when I went into labor that was it she was on her way.

Once I got Elisabeth home I had to hide her and turn custody of her over to another family member. It was the most frightening time for me. I knew that if they took her I would never get her back. She was brand new and absolutely beautiful!

Elisabeth 4 months old

DCFS was in my life for one year and it changed me forever! It was 5 months with out my children, 7 months trying to get DCFS out of my life, and going on 8 years trying to undo the damage they caused to Dakota's self esteem, sense of belonging and safety. I used to walk around looking at the world through rose colored lenses. Although I had been abused as a child I still believed that all people are good. It never occurred to me that some people take pleasure out of seeing others suffer.

When this ugly situation was over and done one of the counselors called me into her office and during the course of that conversation she said something I will NEVER forget. She asked me, "Do you think we took your children away from you because you are a bad mother?"  Of course that is what they had been telling me for the last year so obviously that HAD to be the reason. I said, "why else would you take a persons children?" It was a genuine question because in my mind there was NO other reason.  I was completely bewildered by her response to me. She said, "No we never thought you were a bad mom. Every time we asked you to do something you were right on it. You did all the things we asked you to do. Most parents that lose their children to the state never even bother to try to get them back."  I was shocked so I said "then why did you take my children?" She answered, "because we thought you needed to get the bigger picture."  I never did ask what she meant by that. I was so astounded by the revelation that it never occurred to me to find out what exactly she meant.

I have thought about it and the only logical thing I can come up with is that they wanted me to know they have the power to do what ever they want.  You know, I have learned that lesson so well. None of the attorney's I spoke with would go up against DCFS. They kept telling me "they are too big, just do what they tell you to do." I didn't know it then but I soon found out that DCFS is a government body with no checks and balances. How dangerous is that?  And maybe your thinking well someone is looking over their shoulder let me tell you who that is...
1. Juvenile court judges. They make the determination of what happens with each child-not DCFS, however, they come to their conclusions based on what they hear from the Gaurdian Ad Litem, DCFS case workers, DCFS attorney's, and of course the over worked, under invested, court ordered attorney granted to each parent who ends up in the clutches of DCFS and the juvenile courts.
2. The Utah State Legislature. They hold an oversight committee that meets once a month. They listen to presentations that are given from DCFS administration, Juvenile court judges, and sometime from people who are interested in the topic of that particular committee meeting. The legislative body has the power to draft laws which could help reign in DCFS, but they are largely unaware of what goes on behind the scenes AND it takes an awful long time to draft legislation and pass it especially if it is a hot topic, which child abuse is!
3. The Guardian Ad Litem is an attorney which is appointed to speak for the children, however, these attorney's rarely meet with the children they are actually defending. My children never met with their Guardian Ad Litem. She listened to what the case workers said and based her opinions on that, letters from the counselors that were contracted to DCFS and one interview with me.
4. The Ombudsman's office has the power to carry out an investigation of any allegations made against DCFS. They have the power to "make suggestions" to DCFS. They have no administrative or punitive authority.

So who is making sure that these people are doing what they are supposed to be doing?  All juvenile court hearings are closed to the public. I wasn't allowed to record or video tape any of my visits with the DCFS caseworkers or my children. The judge expressly forbade it.  I would have thought they would want more evidence of my abuse...

In my case, DCFS never had to present ANY type of evidence for the things that they did. They just went to court and told the judge what they thought and the judge would grant them what they asked. They never even had to swear the oath.

Later I went to an administrative law judge where DCFS had to prove their case either with a preponderance of evidence, an eye witness, or a admission from me.  DCFS had NO evidence that I had done any thing wrong. The police investigation determined Julian's burns were accidental, the hospital investigation determined them to be accidental and the eye witnesses, my sister and nephew told them it was accidental. The judge overturned all the findings by DCFS and said they were with out merit, but DCFS just wouldn't let it drop. Why?  Because I needed to get the bigger picture... Hopefully my story will help everyone who reads it get the bigger picture so that you never have to learn it the way I did.

I would consider this year of my life, by far, the most painful time of my life, even after losing Kendra to cancer.  I could write a book about this experience and everything I learned, but some of the biggest things I learned were that evil truly does exist and to always be on the watch for "wolves in sheeps' clothing".

The Brady Bunch Plus or Minus One

I have a friend who's husband calls me "the Brady Bunch Lady" I really thought he didn't know my name until he actually said, "hi Rhonda" at his wife's birthday party a couple of weeks ago! In truth we really were somewhat like the Brady Bunch in the fact that we started out with 6 kids- 3 monkeys boys, and 3 girls.  Later on we received the .5 child that the census claims every family has, which I will explain later.

It was somewhat interesting how it started out; Nathan had a boy and then a girl. I had a boy, then a girl, another boy and then a girl. So when we started out we had ages 9, 8,  7,  7, 5, and 2.  Needless to say, I had my hands full!

My Brady Bunch

Now every family has a black sheep and if our family HAD to have one, it would have been my first born. I'll give you one guess which child he is... however, I have decided that because he is so awesome and I adore him with all my heart he is NOT a black sheep, he's more "speckled" and we are working on "bleaching out the black". Honestly he is my biggest challenge because he is my first born and I think all my biggest mistakes were made with him- through no fault of his own. He has a wonderful sense of humor and he is soooo cute that the girls FLOCK to him every where he goes. (That is a worry in it's self!) But this kid is so bright he was able to run the t.v and vcr at 2 and he knew which video went in which video case. He also knew what each video was by site. He spoke full sentences well before 2 and said large words like disgusting and actually in the proper context. I know that once his brain is "fully functional" he will be just fine!

My next oldest son, well he isn't my biological son and I only get to attempt to influence him every other weekend and every Monday afternoon. But he is a great deal like his father. He has a silly sense of humor and is a quiet kind of person. He loves video games, which I think I could live without but hey boys gotta have a little fun sometimes huh? I truly adore how compliant he is--Most of the time =)

My first daughter is a mini mommy. She is awesome! she is always willing to help and very concerned about the feelings of others. She wants to make sure I am happy and well cared for. I honestly can't believe I ever had a hard time bonding with her when she was born (absolutely no fault of hers, but that is a story for another time).  Once I realized that she really needed me, and I made the effort to REALLY be her mommy she just blossomed into the beautiful person she is today. I know that she brings such a wonderful spirit to our family and this world.

My second daughter, along with my second son, only comes every other weekend and every Monday. But she has a soft spoken personality. She is quiet and reserved, but she is no dummy. I am always impressed by the things she is aware of.  Maybe I shouldn't say this but, every time I think I would like to hire a hit man for her mother I realize it's okay I don't have to kill her. I only have to love her daughter and when her daughter loves me in return that is revenge enough. But honestly I pray that her mother will find peace because I know she is hurting inside. My daughter on the other hand is truly a beautiful girl, she has these AMAZING blue eyes and long, thick locks of golden hair.  My first thought when I saw her was "wow she looks like a blue eyed blond version of her dad!" and that made me love her instantly.

My youngest son is a real live wire. I had never heard of a kindergartner being expelled from school but he was expelled twice in Kindergarten! He is one of those children who can make you want to pull your hair out. That is until we found out that he genuinely suffers from ADHD. I swore I was NEVER going to put my kids on drugs. That was for parents that didn't want to put their time and energy into raising their "energetic" kids. I was sure it was something I was doing wrong as a mother...until a doctor convinced me to "just give it a try" and if there was no difference I could take him right back off. After a few days on medication I was kicking myself and wondering why I hadn't given it a try sooner. It was a miracle! He could sit still for more than two seconds and those ear piercing squeals that he made incessantly came to an abrupt stop, he actually started to clean and organize his room and closet. That was when I called the Dr. and asked if that was normal. I think I could have saved my self early wrinkles and gray hairs had I decided to listen sooner! But honestly he is such a loving child and he is Sooo bright too. I know my life would be dull with out him.

My daughter who is (but isn't) my youngest daughter, that's where the plus or minus one and the .5 child comes in, is somewhat a miracle baby. And I thank God for her. She is my only brown eyed child (out of five!) She is a bit high strung but that is okay. I know that as soon as she finds herself and understands her self worth she is going to soar in life. She is a typical 7 year old who likes to play house and barbies. Her name actually means "Gods promise" and she really was the realization of a promise made to me in dark times.

So that leaves me with the plus or minus/.5 child...
My angel who lit up my life. She made me feel like I was so important, but she left us early in life and when she left my heart was broken. She was mine and Nathan's only child together and she lived until she was four. She suffered from Neuroblastoma (a childhood form of cancer) for half of her life. She spent two of her four birthdays in the hospital. But she never really let her illness get her down. She was an inspiration to EVERYONE that met her. She could steal your heart just by opening her mouth and speaking. (to hear the voice of a real Angel download the audio clip of a message she left for me at: http://www.storewith.com/account/imageviewm.aspx?fileid=491484 ). I tell everyone I know, "I understand why God took her from us, he missed her so terribly because she is so wonderful he just couldn't stand to be without her any longer so he took her home again after four short years." I believe this with everything I am.

For a better view of Kendra's obituary follow this link...

www.larkinmortuary.com/programs/DzierzonKendraWhole.pdf?...

To see some pics of a real Angel follow this link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=23925&id=1094358535&l=996e90014e

I thank God for every precious day I had with my little girl and I thank him for the days I have with my other children. I know I am so blessed and God must have trusted me SOO much to give me the precious children he placed in my care. How can I express my love for these precious spirits who bring so much joy, sorrow, love, frustration, and excitement into my life?  It is such a bittersweet experience watching your children grow and develop. Seeing them learn from their mistakes (or not). I can't even imagine my life without them and I wouldn't want to. So even when we walk through the store and people turn and stare because our family is so big I just smile and know in my heart I have been blessed with the greatest gift that God could grant me in this life, my children, and I am so proud to be "the Brady Bunch Lady!"