The American Gestapo

I have started to write the book I have been planning to write FOREVER.  Initially I thought that I would write my whole life story until I discovered memoirs. Of course I seem to discover things long after the normal world has discovered them (possibly a lingering effect of my bazaar childhood)


 I have decided to call my book "Legalized Kidnapping and the American Gestapo" The idea came to me as I was on my way home from work. I sat contemplating the things that I would like to write in a memoir and remembered that I had already written the documentation of what had happened when my children were "legally kidnapped" I call it that because in my mind any time a child is taken from a parent and that child and parent WANT to be together it is nothing short of kidnapping REGARDLESS of why the person took the child.  Of course I realize that DCFS would NEVER agree with my point of view and guess what...that's okay because I don't agree with theirs.

My mom goes to church with a gal that she thinks "is an alright kind of gal" because this lady quit DCFS after refusing to lie in court about a family. I know some may be sitting there reading this thinking what??? But honestly I am not the first person to experience the corruption and deceit called "DCFS".  Something I realized about DCFS is that their name will tell you EXACTLY what they are all about Division of Child and Family Services = Division of Child and Family.  It is a horrifying thought when you come to understand the power that they have.


I always think it is interesting when I talk to strangers about my views on DCFS and they always have a look in their eyes like I am crazy or I must approve of child abuse or something. It seems so unfortunate to me that so many people don't really know what that entity is really all about. They don't understand that we have a living Gestapo in our midst. Those who have worked for them or have been involved with them will eventually uncover the truth of my words in some form or another.

I should make it clear that I am not claiming every person working for DCFS is corrupt or that they all have a monetary or hidden agenda, but there are some who are very powerful that are corrupt and they DO have a monetary or hidden agenda... I would never have believed it if I hadn't experienced it myself.  I learned that DCFS is paid Federal dollars based on how many children they have in foster care. They don't receive those same funds for those that are left in the home. Hmmm... That alone gives them HUGE incentive, but there are other things lurking behind those sweet smiles and sheeps eyes. People who want to save the world regardless of who they hurt trying to do it...Those who have power trips...and many other personality types who we trust to make the right decisions about how to protect our children.

The reality is that what you don't know CAN hurt you. So I decided that my story should be heard with all the facts included. Hopefully someone will be able to gain a sense of hope when they read my story and realize that good really can overcome evil and things really can work out for the best even after the most horrifying experiences. We all have the power to be what ever we dream of, we just need to have faith and trust in God to lead us down the correct paths even if those paths are prickly and painful...

We had a piece of Heaven...

In 2004 I was in the middle of earning a double bachelors at the University of Utah. I had been a single mom of four and had just remarried. My life was full of new beginnings and moving forward from some of the most difficult times I have ever endured.

I had been waiting for years to go back to school and be able to become self reliant. I wanted to get to a point where I never needed to lean on someone else financially again. This goal was my ultimate dream. It was my way to ensure that my children and I would never have to go with out because of someones bad financial decisions.

In the summer of 2004 not many months after my marriage I found out that I was pregnant. I was a mass of mixed emotions. Joy and delight with the idea of having a new person enter my family. Fear and reticence because I knew I was not in a position to support one more person and I was in the middle of trying to get my bachelors so I could improve my families financial position.

Looking back I recall sitting in the doctors office, receiving verification that I was expecting. I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears streamed down my face. It was the first time in all my pregnancies that I had a sense of hesitation and a desire not to be pregnant. How was I going to make it through school with another child on the way? How was I going to take care of her when I couldn't even take care of the ones I already had.

I had no idea that God was about to change my life forever. I had no idea that God had decided to send a piece of heaven in to my life even if it was only for a brief time...

Kendra was born on March 3rd 2005. I recall looking her over as she lay in my arms for the first  time. She was so tiny, just 5 lbs 14 oz. I was amazed at the fact that somehow nature had seen fit to give this tiny little angel a double chin to match her grandmothers!

As I held her I looked at the shape of her face, her mouth, her nose, her arms and legs, her feet and her hands...As I ran my eyes across her hands laughter escaped me as I noticed how very square they were. They literally looked like little squares with one uneven edge where her finger tips were.  I had no idea at the time how much I would come to absolutely love and adore those precious little hands.

I have two casts of her hands and I still look at them everyday and think how perfect her little hands were and how much I wish I could hold them again. One of Kendra's favorite things to do was to paint her fingernails. She liked pink but I loved red on her. She had the most perfectly shaped fingers and finger nails. When I painted her finger nails a particular shade of red they reminded me of cherries.  We laid her to rest with a light shade of pink on her nails and a brand new tube of pink lip gloss in her hand. She was the ultimate girl and loved having glossy lips and painted finger tips. Lip gloss, fingernail polish and Barbie cartoons were her tools for passing the time while she spent two months of her life in a tiny room up at Primary Children's Hospital.

She couldn't leave her room; which was pressurized to keep the air from the hall way out of her room. The air in her room was filtered for her protection. Flowers were not allowed on the unit where Kendra stayed because they were invariably crawling with germs that could prove fatal to a child with no immune system.

As I contemplate my life I can't even imagine what my life would be like now if she had not come in to it. I didn't want to be pregnant when I found out I was having Kendra. I was filled with dread for how another child could prevent my progress. Now I realize how she helped speed up my growth and progress and I would give up EVERYTHING I own to have her back!