How are you doing?

I ran into a friend at work a few days ago and promised I would write more. I also promised a friend from church and I have been TERRIBLE about it. So to them I say I'm sorry.

I know there were people who were concerned and thinking of me around the year anniversary of Kendra's death. I am grateful to know that people care. It means a lot to me.

On the one year anniversary of my babies death I had a day just like any other day. I felt a little astonished that it had already been a full year since we said our goodbyes.  I still hear her little voice in my head telling me, "mommy, I don't want you to be sad." She said those words to me on a night shortly after her first chemo treatment when I was feeling particularly sad about the idea of her dying.  I have no doubt in my mind that her little soul is standing there whispering in my ear during those times when I am feeling particularly desperate to see her little face and hold her close again.

I think I got off easily on the one year anniversary. The last couple of days have been a bit rough. I look at the video montage of Kendra and I think how could God take that precious little girl from me because I needed her so much, and then I realize he needed her too and she earned glory in the life to come. I guess it sucks to be me.

I often think how glad I am that she will never know the malice of the world outside my front door. I am so grateful that she will only know the joy and love of being with our savior. And I am so grateful that I have a testimony of a life after death and the pure love of Christ because with out the thought that I will see her again I am not so sure I would be coping as well as I do, most of the time.

I recently decided to take my children out of school and am quickly finding out how much work it is to prepare a days worth of work and activities to keep young minds engaged and excited...

I spent about six hours over the last three days in a school supply store sifting through the wide range of possible curricula available in search of something that will encourage my children to think for themselves and not simply follow along and be told what to do. I hope that by having them learn at home and adding in some moral instruction they will be able to stand firm when they see things happening that they disagree with.

I am of the opinion that good, solid leadership skills are sadly lacking in our society. There are many out there who are opinionated and passionate, however, they haven't been taught basic moral values or they choose to disregard them saying they are old fashioned and inhibitory.

I am interested in hearing what others think about public school and home schooling. This is a great conversation to have about our children, they are the future after all!

One flew over the cuckoos nest AND I just may follow...

I know I have been gone for what seems like forever, but writing truly is therapeutic so I am back...

Many of my friends are aware of the trying situation I have been having with Dakota. I was totally amazed at how word spreads faster than fire around the neighborhood when a juicy piece of gossip slips from an innocent siblings mouth.  I had no sooner got home from the hospital than I had people calling to find out if everything was okay and if they could help somehow.

Now don't get me wrong if no one had called I would have felt seriously abandoned and unloved... so thank you all for your love and support!  But I can just imagine the telephone wires around my neighborhood buzzing with the news of Dakota's most recent incident, which is likely going to cost me thousands... say good bye to your education fund my dear. All those docs in the PICU will be sending their kids to college with it.

Now, I know people are just a bit curious and have good intentions, but I am seriously wondering when another family in the neighborhood will be taking our place on the stage. Dakota has decided that he has had enough of "drama" as he calls it, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was born into a family that knows nothing but drama, and if he has had enough he may have to disown us all and move to Siberia!

I read another blog tonight where someone wondered why a child "watching her in action" would choose to come to her family and have her as a mother and I have OFTEN asked my self the same question after some contemplation about my children. I think I have an answer. Its something like this...we were all in heaven and God took us aside one by one and showed us potential life situations and we watched with our innocent unknowing eyes and thought oh that won't be so bad. I can do that! Give me the toughest challenge so I can make you proud! And then we came to Earth and got our wake up call!  Not that it is our parents fault at all, but rather that the mere fact of living in this world brings heart ache and uncertainty into our lives for the sake of learning and growth not just for our children but for us as parents. At this point I feel like I have learned QUITE enough and am ready for my vacation package I was promised at the end... I'm imagining nice warm beaches in some tropical paradise with a cool breeze and all the food I can eat, never ending strawberry daiquiri's (virgin of course), NEVER getting fat and absolutely no cares in the world ... "sigh".

So to that dear sweet friend who is contemplating bringing another child into this world I just want you to know that as a mother of six heartbroken and traumatized children, "I FEEL YOUR PAIN!" My favorite quote is from Mother Theresa who said, "I know God only gives us what we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much!"

We had a piece of Heaven...

In 2004 I was in the middle of earning a double bachelors at the University of Utah. I had been a single mom of four and had just remarried. My life was full of new beginnings and moving forward from some of the most difficult times I have ever endured.

I had been waiting for years to go back to school and be able to become self reliant. I wanted to get to a point where I never needed to lean on someone else financially again. This goal was my ultimate dream. It was my way to ensure that my children and I would never have to go with out because of someones bad financial decisions.

In the summer of 2004 not many months after my marriage I found out that I was pregnant. I was a mass of mixed emotions. Joy and delight with the idea of having a new person enter my family. Fear and reticence because I knew I was not in a position to support one more person and I was in the middle of trying to get my bachelors so I could improve my families financial position.

Looking back I recall sitting in the doctors office, receiving verification that I was expecting. I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears streamed down my face. It was the first time in all my pregnancies that I had a sense of hesitation and a desire not to be pregnant. How was I going to make it through school with another child on the way? How was I going to take care of her when I couldn't even take care of the ones I already had.

I had no idea that God was about to change my life forever. I had no idea that God had decided to send a piece of heaven in to my life even if it was only for a brief time...

Kendra was born on March 3rd 2005. I recall looking her over as she lay in my arms for the first  time. She was so tiny, just 5 lbs 14 oz. I was amazed at the fact that somehow nature had seen fit to give this tiny little angel a double chin to match her grandmothers!

As I held her I looked at the shape of her face, her mouth, her nose, her arms and legs, her feet and her hands...As I ran my eyes across her hands laughter escaped me as I noticed how very square they were. They literally looked like little squares with one uneven edge where her finger tips were.  I had no idea at the time how much I would come to absolutely love and adore those precious little hands.

I have two casts of her hands and I still look at them everyday and think how perfect her little hands were and how much I wish I could hold them again. One of Kendra's favorite things to do was to paint her fingernails. She liked pink but I loved red on her. She had the most perfectly shaped fingers and finger nails. When I painted her finger nails a particular shade of red they reminded me of cherries.  We laid her to rest with a light shade of pink on her nails and a brand new tube of pink lip gloss in her hand. She was the ultimate girl and loved having glossy lips and painted finger tips. Lip gloss, fingernail polish and Barbie cartoons were her tools for passing the time while she spent two months of her life in a tiny room up at Primary Children's Hospital.

She couldn't leave her room; which was pressurized to keep the air from the hall way out of her room. The air in her room was filtered for her protection. Flowers were not allowed on the unit where Kendra stayed because they were invariably crawling with germs that could prove fatal to a child with no immune system.

As I contemplate my life I can't even imagine what my life would be like now if she had not come in to it. I didn't want to be pregnant when I found out I was having Kendra. I was filled with dread for how another child could prevent my progress. Now I realize how she helped speed up my growth and progress and I would give up EVERYTHING I own to have her back!