I'm starting a new journey and the point of this blog is just to document and keep track of where this journey will take me. I have lots of great ideas running through my head about where I want to end up...there is a quote from Alice in Wonderland that my doctor mentioned to me the other day. He couldn't remember the exact quote but I knew exactly what he was talking about.
Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.
Life is much like Alice lost in Wonderland. We often find our selves feeling lost and waiting...well in life if we just sit around and wait for something to happen to us then something will eventually happen, but what that something is may NOT be the something we wanted!
The past few weeks I have sat rather locked up tight inside myself contemplating the meaning of my life. Why am I hear? I mean I know the answers that the church provides..we are here to learn, to be tried and tested, to grow in strength and experience, but what does that all mean?
I have to admit I hit rock bottom and didn't even want to get out of bed. I spent an entire week laying around the house and doing NOTHING! I was SICK to death of getting up going to work...at a job where I am not even missed if I don't go in for a week!! and going home to unhappy kids and family just to get up and do it all over again the next day! I didn't care if I never got out of bed again!!
Well honestly there were several issues all converging on each other at that moment in my life, which are not important to mention here but they all contributed to this feeling of worthlessness, being lost, unimportant, INVISIBLE...I guess I felt that I could pretty much just disappear and no one would really notice...heck, I had done it for a week at work and no one noticed!!
However, I knew that this could not continue. I had to do something and so I started to get out of bed again and I went to my Biology class again...I still have not been back to my Chemistry class. I have to seriously wonder if something that makes me feel so bad could possibly be something that was meant to be a part of my life??
Anyway, while I was on my way to work this morning I was thinking about this conundrum I have found myself in. If all I want to do is help others and make a difference in their lives but I feel unimportant to the people around me and I'm NOT making a difference, at least one that I am aware of, then maybe my focus is all wrong! Maybe if I am so invisible to the world around me then "I" should focus on me. I don't mean in a selfish way...I mean I should focus on what "I" really want. I really want a family that is healthy and happy. I really want friends that will come and visit me and invite me to visit them. I really want to feel like I have created something beautiful that I can leave behind when I leave this world. A legacy of sorts.
So I started to think again about things that I have thought about in the past ever since DCFS came into my life. That's been 9 years ago now. And I realized I have talked myself out of the things I want the most. I have self sabotaged and halted my progression by feeling like I am not important enough, I am noticeable, I am not big enough in the eyes of the world to achieve my great dreams...
I have to start again from where I left off and move one step at a time toward building this dream of mine. I know it is going to take a long time to get there but maybe not too long! I have to start with a road map, because unlike Alice I DO know where I want to get to and there is a path out there for me to take. I simply have to take the first step and let things begin to fall into place!
So you are probably wondering what I have been thinking of for the past 9 years. Well off and on I have been thinking how absolutely FANTASTIC it would be to create my own healing center!! I will discuss the ideas I have about my healing center in a future post! but for now wish me luck!! I'm off to start my new journey!!
By the way...if you come across my blog and like what you see click the "follow" button and keep up on what I'm doing! If you know someone who is struggling with DCFS send them my way! Thanks!!
Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.
Life is much like Alice lost in Wonderland. We often find our selves feeling lost and waiting...well in life if we just sit around and wait for something to happen to us then something will eventually happen, but what that something is may NOT be the something we wanted!
The past few weeks I have sat rather locked up tight inside myself contemplating the meaning of my life. Why am I hear? I mean I know the answers that the church provides..we are here to learn, to be tried and tested, to grow in strength and experience, but what does that all mean?
I have to admit I hit rock bottom and didn't even want to get out of bed. I spent an entire week laying around the house and doing NOTHING! I was SICK to death of getting up going to work...at a job where I am not even missed if I don't go in for a week!! and going home to unhappy kids and family just to get up and do it all over again the next day! I didn't care if I never got out of bed again!!
Well honestly there were several issues all converging on each other at that moment in my life, which are not important to mention here but they all contributed to this feeling of worthlessness, being lost, unimportant, INVISIBLE...I guess I felt that I could pretty much just disappear and no one would really notice...heck, I had done it for a week at work and no one noticed!!
However, I knew that this could not continue. I had to do something and so I started to get out of bed again and I went to my Biology class again...I still have not been back to my Chemistry class. I have to seriously wonder if something that makes me feel so bad could possibly be something that was meant to be a part of my life??
Anyway, while I was on my way to work this morning I was thinking about this conundrum I have found myself in. If all I want to do is help others and make a difference in their lives but I feel unimportant to the people around me and I'm NOT making a difference, at least one that I am aware of, then maybe my focus is all wrong! Maybe if I am so invisible to the world around me then "I" should focus on me. I don't mean in a selfish way...I mean I should focus on what "I" really want. I really want a family that is healthy and happy. I really want friends that will come and visit me and invite me to visit them. I really want to feel like I have created something beautiful that I can leave behind when I leave this world. A legacy of sorts.
So I started to think again about things that I have thought about in the past ever since DCFS came into my life. That's been 9 years ago now. And I realized I have talked myself out of the things I want the most. I have self sabotaged and halted my progression by feeling like I am not important enough, I am noticeable, I am not big enough in the eyes of the world to achieve my great dreams...
I have to start again from where I left off and move one step at a time toward building this dream of mine. I know it is going to take a long time to get there but maybe not too long! I have to start with a road map, because unlike Alice I DO know where I want to get to and there is a path out there for me to take. I simply have to take the first step and let things begin to fall into place!
So you are probably wondering what I have been thinking of for the past 9 years. Well off and on I have been thinking how absolutely FANTASTIC it would be to create my own healing center!! I will discuss the ideas I have about my healing center in a future post! but for now wish me luck!! I'm off to start my new journey!!
By the way...if you come across my blog and like what you see click the "follow" button and keep up on what I'm doing! If you know someone who is struggling with DCFS send them my way! Thanks!!
