I am sitting here thinking about the things I can do with my life...I can stay where I am at, a research assistant making barely enough to pay my bills and wondering how I will put food on the table next week, or I can get back into school and get a PhD in neuroscience and go on to study the human brain - an interest of mine since childhood. Imagine that! I must have been a strange child! Or I can scrap that idea and go for something I had considered previously, maybe go back to school and get a Masters in Public Policy. Or Maybe I could work on my writing skills and publish an account of my life. Heaven knows there are many people who have told me I should do just that. I don't know if they say that just because it sounds good or if they truly mean it, but I have thought about writing since I was about 13.
I could imagine writing about all my childhood trauma's and my adoring readers would feel so sorry for all the hardship I had endured. Can you imagine it? This young girl walking on the streets after dark to some long since forgotten destination dreaming of how she would word each sentence and phrase to bring out her readers most painful or bitter emotions. "Oh what an ordeal you have gone through!" they would think, and they would 'of course' pay tons of cash to read the next story about her childhood trauma's and enjoy the bliss of her strength in overcoming adversity!
Well teenagers really can be SOO mellow dramatic!!! After all it isn't like I grew up in the Gaza strip where I could see people being shot in the streets. Or like I grew up in the slums of New York fearing the next time I walk down the street will be the time I get mugged, or the ghetto's of California with gangsters doing drive by shootings on a regular basis. It isn't like I was sold into sexual slavery at 11 so that my family could eat. Honestly it really wasn't that bad at all if you consider what the kids of today are facing when they walk out the door to go to school everyday or even when they turn on the t.v at home.
I was told that in the junior high schools some kids will put drugs on candy and then give it to other unsuspecting children. Of course in my paranoia I immediately told Haley, "Don't accept candy from anyone at school!" I can only imagine what she must have been thinking when I gave her that advice. Maybe something along the lines of "okay, mom has really gone off the deep end this time!" But she just sweetly looked at me and smiled as if to say, "okay mom, I'm going to humor you for now."
In all honesty I think that my teenage years were kind of rough, more than they needed to be and I have given it some thought over the last little while as I have watched my oldest make choices that are so much less appealing than the choices I would like for him to make. I started to realize that my oldest is a heck of a lot like ME!! yep you heard me right, or read... but any way, Nathan asked me, "Rhonda were you like Dakota when you were his age?" I should have just smiled and with an innocent look said, "what? Me?" But I think he may have seen right through that so, of course, I told him that I had some challenging times as a teen.
I have a lot of "experience" in life and most of it is experience I think I could have done with out, but how do you tell a fourteen year old that they are headed down the same path you took with out totally turning them off or WORSE, pushing them along that dreaded path?? I sure haven't found a way yet. So I find myself bungling along making mistake after mistake, but I think I may actually be getting the hang of this "teenage" business! I am starting to think that the more my son calls me a jerk the better I am doing my job of raising him. He tells me to "let him live his life" Gosh I wonder where I have heard THOSE words before! I NEVER said anything like that when I was his age
So I sit here contemplating where my life is going and realizing I am where I am because of my past and it all gives me a nagging irritation with the repetitive cycles we as a society find ourselves caught up in. Why do some kids just HAVE to learn by experience when enough people have already experienced enough pain to last an eternity? If I had made better choices I could have already been in a position making three times or more what I make now and I could be doing things with my kids that I can only dream of right now. I can only hope that by some miracle something I do now will help my children make a better life for themselves than I have been able to make for them. I think that one of the wishes of every parent is that their children will end up at least a little better off then they were.
I believe it is never too late to turn your life around and make it more than what it is. I haven't figured out how I am going to move forward just yet but I know once I do I will just take off. I just need a little fuel to get me started! And hopefully with the example I have set my children will turn out to be healthy well adjusted adults who are able and willing to contribute something good to society.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Stand Tall
Stand Tall
What do you say when you want to be funny but you aren't?
What do you do when you want to be pretty or smart?
How do you show the world all the good you have inside,
When all you really want to do is hide?
I see the world through many different eyes...
I hear your laughter and secrets and lies.
I know that you feel the same way as I,
A little bit lost, and a little lonely tonight.
Underneath it all we are the same,
We wish for love, for prosperity and even for fame.
We feel so weighed down we can't get off the ground,
We feel buoyant and high we soar through the sky.
We drift in and out we rise and we fall...
but after a while we learn to stand tall.
Remember who you are, remember your worth,
Because there's no one like you on all the Earth.
What do you say when you want to be funny but you aren't?
What do you do when you want to be pretty or smart?
How do you show the world all the good you have inside,
When all you really want to do is hide?
I see the world through many different eyes...
I hear your laughter and secrets and lies.
I know that you feel the same way as I,
A little bit lost, and a little lonely tonight.
Underneath it all we are the same,
We wish for love, for prosperity and even for fame.
We feel so weighed down we can't get off the ground,
We feel buoyant and high we soar through the sky.
We drift in and out we rise and we fall...
but after a while we learn to stand tall.
Remember who you are, remember your worth,
Because there's no one like you on all the Earth.
Friday, September 11, 2009
A wolf in sheeps clothing.
This story is very close to my heart. It isn't meant to upset or offend it is just a rendition of a part of my life. Anyone who passionately approves of DCFS may want to turn back now...if not lets go for a walk down memory lane.
Some of you know about my drama with Division of Child and Family Services. (DCFS.) Let me tell you... their name fits them perfectly! (Divide the child and the family). Maybe I am being too harsh, because I know they have a new director who really wants to focus on keeping families together and maybe they are better at it than they used to be, but from what I have seen and know of them there were some who took pleasure in power tripping and dividing the child from the family.
I used to be CERTAIN that if DCFS took a child from their parents it was ABSOLUTELY in the best interest of the child. I had to learn the hard way that evil does exist and it likes to disguise it's self as a "caring, compassionate social worker." Now I am not saying I am a perfect mother, heaven knows I have made my share of mistakes, however, I can say I am a passionate mother and I have actually taken a physical hit for my children. I will go to the matt for them EVERY TIME!
For those of you who don't know the story, I am going to recount parts of it so you can get an understanding of why I am so adverse to DCFS as an entity and their tactics. Their "mission" and their "goals" seem to be a worthy enough cause, but they are SORELY under trained, under staffed, and under funded to be taking on the types of situations they are attempting to rectify.
I am able to recognize that there are good people who are working for "the Devil Corporation" aka: DCFS. I even know one person who was fired because she refused to lie about a family. So please don't think that I hate all people employed there. There are only a select few that I used to pray that God would strike them with boils that itched, burned, and oozed. And even those I have come to forgive...somewhat. Well I no longer pray for them to suffer. And I think I can manage to not feel anger toward them as long as I don't ever have to look at them again.
But anyway back to the reason for my prayers of vengeance. Julian was 22 months old and I had noticed an infection on his big toe. I had taken him to our pediatrician who had given me instructions to care for it and wanted to see him back in a couple of days. So that dreadful day I was preparing to take Julian to the doctor. My sister was with me that day as well as her son. I figured it would be a good idea to get a load of laundry going and some dishes put away before we left so I asked Jordan (my nephew) to put the dishes away, he was 7 at the time, and I went into the laundry room which was just off of the kitchen. as I was starting the washer I heard a whimper from the kitchen so I stopped to listen and then I heard an all out scream of terror! So I ran out of the laundry room and into the kitchen where I saw Julian standing in our kitchen sink with steam rising out around him.
I snatched him out of the sink, turned the water to straight cold and put him back under the cold water to try to stop the burn from going deeper. I called the paramedics immediately and as I sat on the phone talking I realized, "they're going to think I did this!" I knew in my heart that something really bad was about to come down.
We took Julian up to Primary Children's Medical Center. Once we were there various people came to ask me what had happened. I was so shaken by seeing Julian standing in scalding water I did my best to tell them what had happened as I remembered it. I stayed in the hospital with Julian for three days while they treated his wounds. He had second degree burns on his lower right and left legs, the tops of his feet, and the backs of his thighs. When I took him out of the water the skin on his feet and lower legs was hanging like huge blisters that had popped.
The nurses wanted me to change his bandages. I couldn't do it, every time I saw his raw flesh I was sick to the point of passing out. But the nurses kept encouraging me to give it a try so they could send him home. Someone had to be able to change his bandages three times a day before he could go home. I had NO IDEA what lay just hours ahead...
It was a Friday afternoon around 4:00 pm when a DCFS case worker along with several security guards came into the hospital room and informed me, "we have taken custody of Julian, and you need to leave the premises now"
I was in utter shock. I begged the case worker to allow someone from the family to stay. I told her "If you think I did this fine... I will leave, but please let someone that Julian knows, someone who wasn't there when it happened stay with him so he doesn't have to be in a strange place all alone." The answer was a solid and resounding NO. I went home worrying that Julian would be in pain and they wouldn't know or he would be scared and no one would be there to comfort him.
I was never informed that DCFS was going to court to get custody of Julian. The reason given for taking custody, I later found out, was "the child is in immediate need of medical attention and the father is incarcerated." I find my self asking why didn't the judge ask where I was at? Why didn't I get a chance to speak to the judge?
I find it appalling that our state can come and take custody of any child with out even telling the parent they have a hearing pending. Which was the first of many grievous acts of contempt against me. Of course they do have a mandatory 48 hour shelter hearing, to determine if removal was appropriate, at which my attorney failed to represent my interests or those of my children. He never told the judge that the doctors had investigated the burns and determined they were accidental. DCFS stated that there was an ongoing investigation and that due to the ongoing investigation they needed to take my other two children into custody because of "sibling at risk" They never bothered to tell the judge about the hospitals investigation or ruling either. Or that the doctors had already informed them that previous Friday (prior to them taking custody) that the burn patterns didn't correspond with the type of burns sustained when a child's leg is forcefully immersed in standing scalding water.
Many other egregious acts of abuse against my civil rights were carried out through the next several months. My rights to visitation were taken from me because "I couldn't protect my children from my ex" who had broken my nose in front of them, and because one of my children had (according to what the DCFS case worker told the judge) walked in and witnessed pornographic materials that my husband was looking at while I was asleep. Apparently one of the kids got up in the middle of the night and my ex was watching some smut show on the t.v. and he saw it. I still do not know if this is true to this day, but because I didn't stop these things from happening they claimed I couldn't protect my children. I think it is important to mention that my ex who perpetrated these acts never lost visitation rights. Does that make sense? Nothing really changed for him at all. He went to work all week as a truck driver, came home on the week ends and saw his kids- just like before.
The case worker also stated to the judge that I should not see my children because I was too "fragile" because of things that had happened to me as a child. So again because of someone else's acts toward me I could not see my children. On top of that the only way that the case worker could have found out about my childhood was if a therapist had breached confidentiality. Which is exactly what happened.
I was required to take my children to counseling with counselors that DCFS's chose not me. These counselors were contracted to DCFS. Doesn't that seem WRONG? If your not sure why I think it is wrong it's because if you are getting your paycheck from DCFS shouldn't it be a conflict of interest to be writing letters about a family you are treating to the court? How impartial is the opinion that is bought and paid for?
After breaching confidentiality to DCFS, either DCFS or the counselor again breached confidentiality when they required me to get a psychiatric evaluation and they told the person who was doing it all my past history. The funny thing was, this counselor that was chosen to do my psych eval kept telling me "you just need to trust your self and follow your own instincts." I kept thinking, "my instincts are telling me NOT to trust YOU!"
I was told that I had to have marriage counseling with Ryan before I could have my kids back, but I couldn't have counseling with him because there was a no contact order between us from when he broke my nose (this was also why he was in jail when Julian was burned). I told the case worker that I wanted to leave Ryan and she said "well you can't leave him because if you do you wont be able to support your kids so we can't give them back to you". This left me in a bit of a quandary as to how was I going to get my kids back if I couldn't do the counseling and I couldn't divorce him? I had to do a LOT of stuff to get the no contact order removed.
I never did tell them I had filed for divorce just prior to Julian getting burned. I decided I would just play their game and when they were gone that's when I would get out of my bad marriage. The funny thing is once I gave up on our marriage that was when Ryan decided he was happy with how things were going. He was getting everything his way and I was holding my peace and biding my time.
At one point I had completed all the tasks that DCFS had assigned me to do, such as group counseling and classes etc; so I thought I would be getting my children back, but instead the judge said to me "I know you have complied with the court order but I can't give them back to you yet, we just don't know what could happen if I do" I thought OMG!! they could keep ANYONE'S children for a reason like that! I was devastated I had done everything they wanted and they were still keeping my kids. I couldn't fathom it. The entire situation was so beyond my ability to comprehend. How could these people really think what they were doing was right?
During this entire thing I was hiding my pregnancy with Elisabeth, which caused a great deal of stress because I was terrified they would find out I was pregnant with her and then try to take her from me. When family preservation came in after I got the kids back it did get out that I was pregnant. I had let Dakota feel Elisabeth move and he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to say anything about it and well the cat was out of the bag at that point. That's when the case worker started to nit pick about details, when is the baby due? where will you have it? who is your doctor? I refused to give them any information at all. But I was under so much stress that a month before my due data I started to go into pre term labor. I spent a week in the hospital, but eventually convinced the Dr. I would stay in bed if he would let me go home. I needed to be with my kids at that point. So he did let me go with strict instructions I was not to do ANY THING besides get up and go to the bathroom. I stayed in bed a week and at that point I was only two weeks away from my due date so when I went into labor that was it she was on her way.
Once I got Elisabeth home I had to hide her and turn custody of her over to another family member. It was the most frightening time for me. I knew that if they took her I would never get her back. She was brand new and absolutely beautiful!
DCFS was in my life for one year and it changed me forever! It was 5 months with out my children, 7 months trying to get DCFS out of my life, and going on 8 years trying to undo the damage they caused to Dakota's self esteem, sense of belonging and safety. I used to walk around looking at the world through rose colored lenses. Although I had been abused as a child I still believed that all people are good. It never occurred to me that some people take pleasure out of seeing others suffer.
When this ugly situation was over and done one of the counselors called me into her office and during the course of that conversation she said something I will NEVER forget. She asked me, "Do you think we took your children away from you because you are a bad mother?" Of course that is what they had been telling me for the last year so obviously that HAD to be the reason. I said, "why else would you take a persons children?" It was a genuine question because in my mind there was NO other reason. I was completely bewildered by her response to me. She said, "No we never thought you were a bad mom. Every time we asked you to do something you were right on it. You did all the things we asked you to do. Most parents that lose their children to the state never even bother to try to get them back." I was shocked so I said "then why did you take my children?" She answered, "because we thought you needed to get the bigger picture." I never did ask what she meant by that. I was so astounded by the revelation that it never occurred to me to find out what exactly she meant.
I have thought about it and the only logical thing I can come up with is that they wanted me to know they have the power to do what ever they want. You know, I have learned that lesson so well. None of the attorney's I spoke with would go up against DCFS. They kept telling me "they are too big, just do what they tell you to do." I didn't know it then but I soon found out that DCFS is a government body with no checks and balances. How dangerous is that? And maybe your thinking well someone is looking over their shoulder let me tell you who that is...
1. Juvenile court judges. They make the determination of what happens with each child-not DCFS, however, they come to their conclusions based on what they hear from the Gaurdian Ad Litem, DCFS case workers, DCFS attorney's, and of course the over worked, under invested, court ordered attorney granted to each parent who ends up in the clutches of DCFS and the juvenile courts.
2. The Utah State Legislature. They hold an oversight committee that meets once a month. They listen to presentations that are given from DCFS administration, Juvenile court judges, and sometime from people who are interested in the topic of that particular committee meeting. The legislative body has the power to draft laws which could help reign in DCFS, but they are largely unaware of what goes on behind the scenes AND it takes an awful long time to draft legislation and pass it especially if it is a hot topic, which child abuse is!
3. The Guardian Ad Litem is an attorney which is appointed to speak for the children, however, these attorney's rarely meet with the children they are actually defending. My children never met with their Guardian Ad Litem. She listened to what the case workers said and based her opinions on that, letters from the counselors that were contracted to DCFS and one interview with me.
4. The Ombudsman's office has the power to carry out an investigation of any allegations made against DCFS. They have the power to "make suggestions" to DCFS. They have no administrative or punitive authority.
So who is making sure that these people are doing what they are supposed to be doing? All juvenile court hearings are closed to the public. I wasn't allowed to record or video tape any of my visits with the DCFS caseworkers or my children. The judge expressly forbade it. I would have thought they would want more evidence of my abuse...
In my case, DCFS never had to present ANY type of evidence for the things that they did. They just went to court and told the judge what they thought and the judge would grant them what they asked. They never even had to swear the oath.
Later I went to an administrative law judge where DCFS had to prove their case either with a preponderance of evidence, an eye witness, or a admission from me. DCFS had NO evidence that I had done any thing wrong. The police investigation determined Julian's burns were accidental, the hospital investigation determined them to be accidental and the eye witnesses, my sister and nephew told them it was accidental. The judge overturned all the findings by DCFS and said they were with out merit, but DCFS just wouldn't let it drop. Why? Because I needed to get the bigger picture... Hopefully my story will help everyone who reads it get the bigger picture so that you never have to learn it the way I did.
I would consider this year of my life, by far, the most painful time of my life, even after losing Kendra to cancer. I could write a book about this experience and everything I learned, but some of the biggest things I learned were that evil truly does exist and to always be on the watch for "wolves in sheeps' clothing".
Some of you know about my drama with Division of Child and Family Services. (DCFS.) Let me tell you... their name fits them perfectly! (Divide the child and the family). Maybe I am being too harsh, because I know they have a new director who really wants to focus on keeping families together and maybe they are better at it than they used to be, but from what I have seen and know of them there were some who took pleasure in power tripping and dividing the child from the family.
I used to be CERTAIN that if DCFS took a child from their parents it was ABSOLUTELY in the best interest of the child. I had to learn the hard way that evil does exist and it likes to disguise it's self as a "caring, compassionate social worker." Now I am not saying I am a perfect mother, heaven knows I have made my share of mistakes, however, I can say I am a passionate mother and I have actually taken a physical hit for my children. I will go to the matt for them EVERY TIME!
For those of you who don't know the story, I am going to recount parts of it so you can get an understanding of why I am so adverse to DCFS as an entity and their tactics. Their "mission" and their "goals" seem to be a worthy enough cause, but they are SORELY under trained, under staffed, and under funded to be taking on the types of situations they are attempting to rectify.
I am able to recognize that there are good people who are working for "the Devil Corporation" aka: DCFS. I even know one person who was fired because she refused to lie about a family. So please don't think that I hate all people employed there. There are only a select few that I used to pray that God would strike them with boils that itched, burned, and oozed. And even those I have come to forgive...somewhat. Well I no longer pray for them to suffer. And I think I can manage to not feel anger toward them as long as I don't ever have to look at them again.
But anyway back to the reason for my prayers of vengeance. Julian was 22 months old and I had noticed an infection on his big toe. I had taken him to our pediatrician who had given me instructions to care for it and wanted to see him back in a couple of days. So that dreadful day I was preparing to take Julian to the doctor. My sister was with me that day as well as her son. I figured it would be a good idea to get a load of laundry going and some dishes put away before we left so I asked Jordan (my nephew) to put the dishes away, he was 7 at the time, and I went into the laundry room which was just off of the kitchen. as I was starting the washer I heard a whimper from the kitchen so I stopped to listen and then I heard an all out scream of terror! So I ran out of the laundry room and into the kitchen where I saw Julian standing in our kitchen sink with steam rising out around him.
Julian just before he was burned ~ 20 months
(This picture was used in the news broadcast I did about water heater safety)
I snatched him out of the sink, turned the water to straight cold and put him back under the cold water to try to stop the burn from going deeper. I called the paramedics immediately and as I sat on the phone talking I realized, "they're going to think I did this!" I knew in my heart that something really bad was about to come down.
We took Julian up to Primary Children's Medical Center. Once we were there various people came to ask me what had happened. I was so shaken by seeing Julian standing in scalding water I did my best to tell them what had happened as I remembered it. I stayed in the hospital with Julian for three days while they treated his wounds. He had second degree burns on his lower right and left legs, the tops of his feet, and the backs of his thighs. When I took him out of the water the skin on his feet and lower legs was hanging like huge blisters that had popped.
The nurses wanted me to change his bandages. I couldn't do it, every time I saw his raw flesh I was sick to the point of passing out. But the nurses kept encouraging me to give it a try so they could send him home. Someone had to be able to change his bandages three times a day before he could go home. I had NO IDEA what lay just hours ahead...
It was a Friday afternoon around 4:00 pm when a DCFS case worker along with several security guards came into the hospital room and informed me, "we have taken custody of Julian, and you need to leave the premises now"
I was in utter shock. I begged the case worker to allow someone from the family to stay. I told her "If you think I did this fine... I will leave, but please let someone that Julian knows, someone who wasn't there when it happened stay with him so he doesn't have to be in a strange place all alone." The answer was a solid and resounding NO. I went home worrying that Julian would be in pain and they wouldn't know or he would be scared and no one would be there to comfort him.
I was never informed that DCFS was going to court to get custody of Julian. The reason given for taking custody, I later found out, was "the child is in immediate need of medical attention and the father is incarcerated." I find my self asking why didn't the judge ask where I was at? Why didn't I get a chance to speak to the judge?
I find it appalling that our state can come and take custody of any child with out even telling the parent they have a hearing pending. Which was the first of many grievous acts of contempt against me. Of course they do have a mandatory 48 hour shelter hearing, to determine if removal was appropriate, at which my attorney failed to represent my interests or those of my children. He never told the judge that the doctors had investigated the burns and determined they were accidental. DCFS stated that there was an ongoing investigation and that due to the ongoing investigation they needed to take my other two children into custody because of "sibling at risk" They never bothered to tell the judge about the hospitals investigation or ruling either. Or that the doctors had already informed them that previous Friday (prior to them taking custody) that the burn patterns didn't correspond with the type of burns sustained when a child's leg is forcefully immersed in standing scalding water.
Many other egregious acts of abuse against my civil rights were carried out through the next several months. My rights to visitation were taken from me because "I couldn't protect my children from my ex" who had broken my nose in front of them, and because one of my children had (according to what the DCFS case worker told the judge) walked in and witnessed pornographic materials that my husband was looking at while I was asleep. Apparently one of the kids got up in the middle of the night and my ex was watching some smut show on the t.v. and he saw it. I still do not know if this is true to this day, but because I didn't stop these things from happening they claimed I couldn't protect my children. I think it is important to mention that my ex who perpetrated these acts never lost visitation rights. Does that make sense? Nothing really changed for him at all. He went to work all week as a truck driver, came home on the week ends and saw his kids- just like before.
The case worker also stated to the judge that I should not see my children because I was too "fragile" because of things that had happened to me as a child. So again because of someone else's acts toward me I could not see my children. On top of that the only way that the case worker could have found out about my childhood was if a therapist had breached confidentiality. Which is exactly what happened.
I was required to take my children to counseling with counselors that DCFS's chose not me. These counselors were contracted to DCFS. Doesn't that seem WRONG? If your not sure why I think it is wrong it's because if you are getting your paycheck from DCFS shouldn't it be a conflict of interest to be writing letters about a family you are treating to the court? How impartial is the opinion that is bought and paid for?
After breaching confidentiality to DCFS, either DCFS or the counselor again breached confidentiality when they required me to get a psychiatric evaluation and they told the person who was doing it all my past history. The funny thing was, this counselor that was chosen to do my psych eval kept telling me "you just need to trust your self and follow your own instincts." I kept thinking, "my instincts are telling me NOT to trust YOU!"
I was told that I had to have marriage counseling with Ryan before I could have my kids back, but I couldn't have counseling with him because there was a no contact order between us from when he broke my nose (this was also why he was in jail when Julian was burned). I told the case worker that I wanted to leave Ryan and she said "well you can't leave him because if you do you wont be able to support your kids so we can't give them back to you". This left me in a bit of a quandary as to how was I going to get my kids back if I couldn't do the counseling and I couldn't divorce him? I had to do a LOT of stuff to get the no contact order removed.
I never did tell them I had filed for divorce just prior to Julian getting burned. I decided I would just play their game and when they were gone that's when I would get out of my bad marriage. The funny thing is once I gave up on our marriage that was when Ryan decided he was happy with how things were going. He was getting everything his way and I was holding my peace and biding my time.
At one point I had completed all the tasks that DCFS had assigned me to do, such as group counseling and classes etc; so I thought I would be getting my children back, but instead the judge said to me "I know you have complied with the court order but I can't give them back to you yet, we just don't know what could happen if I do" I thought OMG!! they could keep ANYONE'S children for a reason like that! I was devastated I had done everything they wanted and they were still keeping my kids. I couldn't fathom it. The entire situation was so beyond my ability to comprehend. How could these people really think what they were doing was right?
During this entire thing I was hiding my pregnancy with Elisabeth, which caused a great deal of stress because I was terrified they would find out I was pregnant with her and then try to take her from me. When family preservation came in after I got the kids back it did get out that I was pregnant. I had let Dakota feel Elisabeth move and he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to say anything about it and well the cat was out of the bag at that point. That's when the case worker started to nit pick about details, when is the baby due? where will you have it? who is your doctor? I refused to give them any information at all. But I was under so much stress that a month before my due data I started to go into pre term labor. I spent a week in the hospital, but eventually convinced the Dr. I would stay in bed if he would let me go home. I needed to be with my kids at that point. So he did let me go with strict instructions I was not to do ANY THING besides get up and go to the bathroom. I stayed in bed a week and at that point I was only two weeks away from my due date so when I went into labor that was it she was on her way.
Once I got Elisabeth home I had to hide her and turn custody of her over to another family member. It was the most frightening time for me. I knew that if they took her I would never get her back. She was brand new and absolutely beautiful!
Elisabeth 4 months old
DCFS was in my life for one year and it changed me forever! It was 5 months with out my children, 7 months trying to get DCFS out of my life, and going on 8 years trying to undo the damage they caused to Dakota's self esteem, sense of belonging and safety. I used to walk around looking at the world through rose colored lenses. Although I had been abused as a child I still believed that all people are good. It never occurred to me that some people take pleasure out of seeing others suffer.
When this ugly situation was over and done one of the counselors called me into her office and during the course of that conversation she said something I will NEVER forget. She asked me, "Do you think we took your children away from you because you are a bad mother?" Of course that is what they had been telling me for the last year so obviously that HAD to be the reason. I said, "why else would you take a persons children?" It was a genuine question because in my mind there was NO other reason. I was completely bewildered by her response to me. She said, "No we never thought you were a bad mom. Every time we asked you to do something you were right on it. You did all the things we asked you to do. Most parents that lose their children to the state never even bother to try to get them back." I was shocked so I said "then why did you take my children?" She answered, "because we thought you needed to get the bigger picture." I never did ask what she meant by that. I was so astounded by the revelation that it never occurred to me to find out what exactly she meant.
I have thought about it and the only logical thing I can come up with is that they wanted me to know they have the power to do what ever they want. You know, I have learned that lesson so well. None of the attorney's I spoke with would go up against DCFS. They kept telling me "they are too big, just do what they tell you to do." I didn't know it then but I soon found out that DCFS is a government body with no checks and balances. How dangerous is that? And maybe your thinking well someone is looking over their shoulder let me tell you who that is...
1. Juvenile court judges. They make the determination of what happens with each child-not DCFS, however, they come to their conclusions based on what they hear from the Gaurdian Ad Litem, DCFS case workers, DCFS attorney's, and of course the over worked, under invested, court ordered attorney granted to each parent who ends up in the clutches of DCFS and the juvenile courts.
2. The Utah State Legislature. They hold an oversight committee that meets once a month. They listen to presentations that are given from DCFS administration, Juvenile court judges, and sometime from people who are interested in the topic of that particular committee meeting. The legislative body has the power to draft laws which could help reign in DCFS, but they are largely unaware of what goes on behind the scenes AND it takes an awful long time to draft legislation and pass it especially if it is a hot topic, which child abuse is!
3. The Guardian Ad Litem is an attorney which is appointed to speak for the children, however, these attorney's rarely meet with the children they are actually defending. My children never met with their Guardian Ad Litem. She listened to what the case workers said and based her opinions on that, letters from the counselors that were contracted to DCFS and one interview with me.
4. The Ombudsman's office has the power to carry out an investigation of any allegations made against DCFS. They have the power to "make suggestions" to DCFS. They have no administrative or punitive authority.
So who is making sure that these people are doing what they are supposed to be doing? All juvenile court hearings are closed to the public. I wasn't allowed to record or video tape any of my visits with the DCFS caseworkers or my children. The judge expressly forbade it. I would have thought they would want more evidence of my abuse...
In my case, DCFS never had to present ANY type of evidence for the things that they did. They just went to court and told the judge what they thought and the judge would grant them what they asked. They never even had to swear the oath.
Later I went to an administrative law judge where DCFS had to prove their case either with a preponderance of evidence, an eye witness, or a admission from me. DCFS had NO evidence that I had done any thing wrong. The police investigation determined Julian's burns were accidental, the hospital investigation determined them to be accidental and the eye witnesses, my sister and nephew told them it was accidental. The judge overturned all the findings by DCFS and said they were with out merit, but DCFS just wouldn't let it drop. Why? Because I needed to get the bigger picture... Hopefully my story will help everyone who reads it get the bigger picture so that you never have to learn it the way I did.
I would consider this year of my life, by far, the most painful time of my life, even after losing Kendra to cancer. I could write a book about this experience and everything I learned, but some of the biggest things I learned were that evil truly does exist and to always be on the watch for "wolves in sheeps' clothing".
My Darling Kids
Dakota had Such looonng eyelashes and cute ears that stuck out. His eyes were so big and blue I used to look at him and think "oh how cute! he looks like Dopey." Can you see the resemblance?AND just in case Dakota sees this, that WASN'T meant in a mean way at all... ; )
Isn't he just PRECIOUS? Of course he is!!
But for Dakota's sake I have to show you all what a handsome fellow he has grown into!
Haley used to tell me she was "spicy cold!" in the winter and afraid of the "unders" during thunder storms.
It's not... She's jumping at the flash from the camera, SHHH... she just might still be afraid of the "unders".
Julian once said, "mom look at me! I am telepathetic!....as he steped on the head of a broom and bonked himself with the handle...
Elisabeth spends her time looking in the "mirra" "a" then looking in the "mirra" some more...
I have the most amazing kids in the world!! I am so thankful for them!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Married at sixteen...
One of my friends commented about my marriage at sixteen. She was rather shocked that someone would actually allow their child to marry at sixteen. Well, honestly if it was my daughter, knowing what I know now, I would have handcuffed her and hid her in a dungeon or something extreme until she was 25. But that isn't what happened with me...
I never really intended to get married at sixteen. I honestly wanted to wait till I was out of high school and I believe that if I had done that I never would have ended up marrying my first husband. I have one word to describe him, "sophomoric". Now I know that word doesn't seem too bad, but seriously... if you have grown past your sophomore year and actually attained adulthood...being married to someone who is sophomoric is a very unpleasant business. (the definition of sophomoric is: "being over confident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature") Unfortunately he is STILL sophomoric - deep sigh-
I realize that a lot of people wonder why I married so young and I was often asked if I married because I was pregnant, well the answer is no. I didn't actually get pregnant until we had been married two years. But there were reasons why I was interested in marrying young, most of which made sense to a naive sixteen year old.
I remember the day that my mother met Ryan. He was actually 20 and I was fifteen. He came to the door to pick me up one evening sporting his stetson, tight fitting wranglers, and cowboy boots. His shirt was unbuttoned half way down revealing a chest full of hair and he had a mustache. I am sure my mother must have had something akin to a heart attack when she opened the door.
Later she informed me that I should not see this man because he was too old for me... (five years compared to a thirteen year age difference between her and my father) Of course, being the dumb, know it all, rebellious teenager I was, I basically informed her "sorry I'm doing this my way." Months went by with my mother complaining about his age and his "intentions". She was determined to break us up and of course I am thinking "mom are you CRAZY? he is out of school, he has a job, he can spend money on me...." you know all the things that would attract a juvenile...
SO my mother decided she was going to scare Ryan off. Her method was to tell us that we either had to break up or get married. So I -in my sixteen year old genius- tell my mother "okay we decided we want to get married!" I was absolutely sure that would freak her out and she would back off, but...I was wrong. She totally called my bluff. She wanted to know a when!
So there I was in the beginning of the tenth grade and planning a wedding. I thought life was going to be so much easier once I didn't have to answer to mommy. Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of an adult when you're in desperate need of it? (That is, in high school when you make all those life changing decisions about what you are going to do with the rest of your life.--college, job, marriage...)
So April came and so did our wedding. Honestly I should have had the marriage annulled immediately because something in me kept saying, you're going to out grow him. But I didn't listen. I kept telling myself "I'm on my way now" I have learned that I ALWAYS end up regretting not listening to my inner self, my intuition, or what ever you want to call it, always turns out to be right.
But being married was good at first, that is until I really decided to grow up. That's when things went south for us. My grades went from D's and F's to honor roll and stayed there through my entire high school career. I made the decision that I wanted a family and that meant I couldn't drink or smoke or do anything that would compromise a child I would carry. Besides I always felt guilty if I drank so I didn't do that often anyway. So I gave up everything that is considered harmful...well okay I kept drinking Mt Dew even though it is rumored to have twice the caffeine...But I changed my whole life style so that I could prepare to become a mother, I was about 17.
While I was in the 11th grade I decided it was time to start my family. I was thrilled with the idea although my guidance counselor kept telling me, "you'll never graduate" I knew I would and I was eager to show him I was not just a statistic. So I moved ahead with my plans to start a family. That really was where things went south. Ryan didn't care if I chose to stop smoking or drinking (he never was a big drinker) but when I decided I needed God in my life to help me raise my children and I wanted him to invite God into his life, well that was more than he wanted to take on. As far as he was concerned I could do what ever I wanted as long as I didn't force my ideals on him.
We actually lasted ten years. An amazing feat considering the difference in his mental state and mine. But I really believed that I had promised this man "through good times and bad" and that meant I had to put my whole heart into it. But eventually it was obvious to me that there was absolutely no future there and it was time to leave. It took nine years for me to be absolutely sure we couldn't make it together and another year to actually leave. But that is a story for another time.
The moral to this story is... NEVER sign the permission slip for your sixteen year old to get married. Tell them, "you can be engaged for two years and marry when you're 18". Chances are that even if they are saying it is what they want, deep down they are more than likely questioning if it really is what they want, AND if you give them a couple of years with their boyfriend they will more than likely wake up and see for themselves that he is not what they are really looking for and they will move on. I know I would have if I hadn't have said "I do" And the best part is...because you let them go ahead and date, you won't be the bad guy in the end, the boyfriend will!
I never really intended to get married at sixteen. I honestly wanted to wait till I was out of high school and I believe that if I had done that I never would have ended up marrying my first husband. I have one word to describe him, "sophomoric". Now I know that word doesn't seem too bad, but seriously... if you have grown past your sophomore year and actually attained adulthood...being married to someone who is sophomoric is a very unpleasant business. (the definition of sophomoric is: "being over confident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature") Unfortunately he is STILL sophomoric - deep sigh-
I realize that a lot of people wonder why I married so young and I was often asked if I married because I was pregnant, well the answer is no. I didn't actually get pregnant until we had been married two years. But there were reasons why I was interested in marrying young, most of which made sense to a naive sixteen year old.
I remember the day that my mother met Ryan. He was actually 20 and I was fifteen. He came to the door to pick me up one evening sporting his stetson, tight fitting wranglers, and cowboy boots. His shirt was unbuttoned half way down revealing a chest full of hair and he had a mustache. I am sure my mother must have had something akin to a heart attack when she opened the door.
Later she informed me that I should not see this man because he was too old for me... (five years compared to a thirteen year age difference between her and my father) Of course, being the dumb, know it all, rebellious teenager I was, I basically informed her "sorry I'm doing this my way." Months went by with my mother complaining about his age and his "intentions". She was determined to break us up and of course I am thinking "mom are you CRAZY? he is out of school, he has a job, he can spend money on me...." you know all the things that would attract a juvenile...
SO my mother decided she was going to scare Ryan off. Her method was to tell us that we either had to break up or get married. So I -in my sixteen year old genius- tell my mother "okay we decided we want to get married!" I was absolutely sure that would freak her out and she would back off, but...I was wrong. She totally called my bluff. She wanted to know a when!
So there I was in the beginning of the tenth grade and planning a wedding. I thought life was going to be so much easier once I didn't have to answer to mommy. Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of an adult when you're in desperate need of it? (That is, in high school when you make all those life changing decisions about what you are going to do with the rest of your life.--college, job, marriage...)
So April came and so did our wedding. Honestly I should have had the marriage annulled immediately because something in me kept saying, you're going to out grow him. But I didn't listen. I kept telling myself "I'm on my way now" I have learned that I ALWAYS end up regretting not listening to my inner self, my intuition, or what ever you want to call it, always turns out to be right.
But being married was good at first, that is until I really decided to grow up. That's when things went south for us. My grades went from D's and F's to honor roll and stayed there through my entire high school career. I made the decision that I wanted a family and that meant I couldn't drink or smoke or do anything that would compromise a child I would carry. Besides I always felt guilty if I drank so I didn't do that often anyway. So I gave up everything that is considered harmful...well okay I kept drinking Mt Dew even though it is rumored to have twice the caffeine...But I changed my whole life style so that I could prepare to become a mother, I was about 17.
While I was in the 11th grade I decided it was time to start my family. I was thrilled with the idea although my guidance counselor kept telling me, "you'll never graduate" I knew I would and I was eager to show him I was not just a statistic. So I moved ahead with my plans to start a family. That really was where things went south. Ryan didn't care if I chose to stop smoking or drinking (he never was a big drinker) but when I decided I needed God in my life to help me raise my children and I wanted him to invite God into his life, well that was more than he wanted to take on. As far as he was concerned I could do what ever I wanted as long as I didn't force my ideals on him.
We actually lasted ten years. An amazing feat considering the difference in his mental state and mine. But I really believed that I had promised this man "through good times and bad" and that meant I had to put my whole heart into it. But eventually it was obvious to me that there was absolutely no future there and it was time to leave. It took nine years for me to be absolutely sure we couldn't make it together and another year to actually leave. But that is a story for another time.
The moral to this story is... NEVER sign the permission slip for your sixteen year old to get married. Tell them, "you can be engaged for two years and marry when you're 18". Chances are that even if they are saying it is what they want, deep down they are more than likely questioning if it really is what they want, AND if you give them a couple of years with their boyfriend they will more than likely wake up and see for themselves that he is not what they are really looking for and they will move on. I know I would have if I hadn't have said "I do" And the best part is...because you let them go ahead and date, you won't be the bad guy in the end, the boyfriend will!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
If the truth be known...
Today I had one on one time with one of the kids and after I had talked with her a while I asked her if anything was bothering her. She replied, "no, I already told you everything and the rest of it is private!" I was really stunned to hear her say something like that. She said "there are somethings that it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about" and I was sitting there thinking, man I have to find a way to help her feel comfortable talking to me!
Later I noticed a friend was on "hiatus" from her face book because someone had said something mean to her after she had written on her blogg. It made me start thinking about how I sit and wonder if I should write what's really on my mind and I will often start to write and then erase all of it in fear of what people will say or even what they will think.
After Kendra passed away I read a lot of books about near death experiences and often, if not in all the stories they stated that communication was done through the mind and no sooner had they thought something then the other person would respond to them. They stated that people could see everything about each other and there were no secrets.
I have often thought about this and wondered what it would be like if we had no secrets here in this world. How many misunderstandings wouldn't happen? How often would people be left suffering in silence? How many marriages wouldn't exist? How many that don't exist would exist? How many people who "hang out" would pick different friends? I can't help but to think if we had a window into each other and there was NO question about what the other person thought things would be REALLY different.
I know many people start to squirm and get uncomfortable with the idea of their secrets being revealed, or even of knowing other people's secrets, but I relish the thought of the truth being exposed no matter what it is. If the truth were really out there and everyone's intentions were out in the open I think our society would function completely different and I also think there would be divisions and people would flock to those who felt and thought similar ideas to them.
I remember walking down the street when I was a child and the thought occurred to me "no one knows what I am thinking, I can have a mean thought about someone and they wont know" I guess I may be strange, but I remember that being a total epiphany to me and it seemed really neat that I could "think" what ever I want and no one knows.
Maybe if we could really read each others thoughts we would be so disillusioned and we would wish we couldn't! It's gotta make you wonder...
Later I noticed a friend was on "hiatus" from her face book because someone had said something mean to her after she had written on her blogg. It made me start thinking about how I sit and wonder if I should write what's really on my mind and I will often start to write and then erase all of it in fear of what people will say or even what they will think.
After Kendra passed away I read a lot of books about near death experiences and often, if not in all the stories they stated that communication was done through the mind and no sooner had they thought something then the other person would respond to them. They stated that people could see everything about each other and there were no secrets.
I have often thought about this and wondered what it would be like if we had no secrets here in this world. How many misunderstandings wouldn't happen? How often would people be left suffering in silence? How many marriages wouldn't exist? How many that don't exist would exist? How many people who "hang out" would pick different friends? I can't help but to think if we had a window into each other and there was NO question about what the other person thought things would be REALLY different.
I know many people start to squirm and get uncomfortable with the idea of their secrets being revealed, or even of knowing other people's secrets, but I relish the thought of the truth being exposed no matter what it is. If the truth were really out there and everyone's intentions were out in the open I think our society would function completely different and I also think there would be divisions and people would flock to those who felt and thought similar ideas to them.
I remember walking down the street when I was a child and the thought occurred to me "no one knows what I am thinking, I can have a mean thought about someone and they wont know" I guess I may be strange, but I remember that being a total epiphany to me and it seemed really neat that I could "think" what ever I want and no one knows.
Maybe if we could really read each others thoughts we would be so disillusioned and we would wish we couldn't! It's gotta make you wonder...
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