The Brady Bunch Plus or Minus One

I have a friend who's husband calls me "the Brady Bunch Lady" I really thought he didn't know my name until he actually said, "hi Rhonda" at his wife's birthday party a couple of weeks ago! In truth we really were somewhat like the Brady Bunch in the fact that we started out with 6 kids- 3 monkeys boys, and 3 girls.  Later on we received the .5 child that the census claims every family has, which I will explain later.

It was somewhat interesting how it started out; Nathan had a boy and then a girl. I had a boy, then a girl, another boy and then a girl. So when we started out we had ages 9, 8,  7,  7, 5, and 2.  Needless to say, I had my hands full!

My Brady Bunch

Now every family has a black sheep and if our family HAD to have one, it would have been my first born. I'll give you one guess which child he is... however, I have decided that because he is so awesome and I adore him with all my heart he is NOT a black sheep, he's more "speckled" and we are working on "bleaching out the black". Honestly he is my biggest challenge because he is my first born and I think all my biggest mistakes were made with him- through no fault of his own. He has a wonderful sense of humor and he is soooo cute that the girls FLOCK to him every where he goes. (That is a worry in it's self!) But this kid is so bright he was able to run the t.v and vcr at 2 and he knew which video went in which video case. He also knew what each video was by site. He spoke full sentences well before 2 and said large words like disgusting and actually in the proper context. I know that once his brain is "fully functional" he will be just fine!

My next oldest son, well he isn't my biological son and I only get to attempt to influence him every other weekend and every Monday afternoon. But he is a great deal like his father. He has a silly sense of humor and is a quiet kind of person. He loves video games, which I think I could live without but hey boys gotta have a little fun sometimes huh? I truly adore how compliant he is--Most of the time =)

My first daughter is a mini mommy. She is awesome! she is always willing to help and very concerned about the feelings of others. She wants to make sure I am happy and well cared for. I honestly can't believe I ever had a hard time bonding with her when she was born (absolutely no fault of hers, but that is a story for another time).  Once I realized that she really needed me, and I made the effort to REALLY be her mommy she just blossomed into the beautiful person she is today. I know that she brings such a wonderful spirit to our family and this world.

My second daughter, along with my second son, only comes every other weekend and every Monday. But she has a soft spoken personality. She is quiet and reserved, but she is no dummy. I am always impressed by the things she is aware of.  Maybe I shouldn't say this but, every time I think I would like to hire a hit man for her mother I realize it's okay I don't have to kill her. I only have to love her daughter and when her daughter loves me in return that is revenge enough. But honestly I pray that her mother will find peace because I know she is hurting inside. My daughter on the other hand is truly a beautiful girl, she has these AMAZING blue eyes and long, thick locks of golden hair.  My first thought when I saw her was "wow she looks like a blue eyed blond version of her dad!" and that made me love her instantly.

My youngest son is a real live wire. I had never heard of a kindergartner being expelled from school but he was expelled twice in Kindergarten! He is one of those children who can make you want to pull your hair out. That is until we found out that he genuinely suffers from ADHD. I swore I was NEVER going to put my kids on drugs. That was for parents that didn't want to put their time and energy into raising their "energetic" kids. I was sure it was something I was doing wrong as a mother...until a doctor convinced me to "just give it a try" and if there was no difference I could take him right back off. After a few days on medication I was kicking myself and wondering why I hadn't given it a try sooner. It was a miracle! He could sit still for more than two seconds and those ear piercing squeals that he made incessantly came to an abrupt stop, he actually started to clean and organize his room and closet. That was when I called the Dr. and asked if that was normal. I think I could have saved my self early wrinkles and gray hairs had I decided to listen sooner! But honestly he is such a loving child and he is Sooo bright too. I know my life would be dull with out him.

My daughter who is (but isn't) my youngest daughter, that's where the plus or minus one and the .5 child comes in, is somewhat a miracle baby. And I thank God for her. She is my only brown eyed child (out of five!) She is a bit high strung but that is okay. I know that as soon as she finds herself and understands her self worth she is going to soar in life. She is a typical 7 year old who likes to play house and barbies. Her name actually means "Gods promise" and she really was the realization of a promise made to me in dark times.

So that leaves me with the plus or minus/.5 child...
My angel who lit up my life. She made me feel like I was so important, but she left us early in life and when she left my heart was broken. She was mine and Nathan's only child together and she lived until she was four. She suffered from Neuroblastoma (a childhood form of cancer) for half of her life. She spent two of her four birthdays in the hospital. But she never really let her illness get her down. She was an inspiration to EVERYONE that met her. She could steal your heart just by opening her mouth and speaking. (to hear the voice of a real Angel download the audio clip of a message she left for me at: http://www.storewith.com/account/imageviewm.aspx?fileid=491484 ). I tell everyone I know, "I understand why God took her from us, he missed her so terribly because she is so wonderful he just couldn't stand to be without her any longer so he took her home again after four short years." I believe this with everything I am.

For a better view of Kendra's obituary follow this link...

www.larkinmortuary.com/programs/DzierzonKendraWhole.pdf?...

To see some pics of a real Angel follow this link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=23925&id=1094358535&l=996e90014e

I thank God for every precious day I had with my little girl and I thank him for the days I have with my other children. I know I am so blessed and God must have trusted me SOO much to give me the precious children he placed in my care. How can I express my love for these precious spirits who bring so much joy, sorrow, love, frustration, and excitement into my life?  It is such a bittersweet experience watching your children grow and develop. Seeing them learn from their mistakes (or not). I can't even imagine my life without them and I wouldn't want to. So even when we walk through the store and people turn and stare because our family is so big I just smile and know in my heart I have been blessed with the greatest gift that God could grant me in this life, my children, and I am so proud to be "the Brady Bunch Lady!"

This is all new to me...

So, as you can imagine having a child die of cancer is a very surreal experience. Many people don't know what to say and I imagine many don't want to hear about it, but as a mother who has lost my four year old I think I will take the time to put my thoughts and feelings out there for anyone who is interested in knowing.

When I was in high school I got married at 16. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!! Well to be honest losing a child is in some ways the same for me as when I got married at 16. Now I know your saying, "What?? She's totally wacked!" But hear me out.

So I get married in the 10th grade and leave for my honeymoon. The whole time feeling home sick like a little girl who has never had a sleep over before. And when I get back to school people are curious. "what is it like to be married?" Well folks, my life has never been what I would call "normal" but I say to them, "um I don't know, like normal." What the heck am I supposed to say? This life is the only life I know so that makes it "normal" to me.

So as time goes on I settle into my "married routine" I get up for school and I spend all day studying and I read novels in between classes and at lunch. Then after school I go home to a husband who is still sleeping because he works the grave yard shift. I wake him up, (because his mommy never taught him how to wake his self up) and we spend some time together just us....and the in-laws =) Of course we are living with the in-laws, he's 21 and I'm 16 and still in high school. We have dinner, sit around the boob tube watching British comedies. Mom in-law cooks for us all, husband goes to work, I do home work and read my novel again till bed time. This is pretty much it folks that was what it was like to be married in the beginning. No going out to bars or partying on the weekends, no "wild stuff." We went to the prom on our first anniversary. That seems so silly to me looking back, I felt so out of place we left early.

So now I am in this situation that is again somewhat novel to people around me, but we've all grown up a little and no one wants to come out and ask, "what's it like to lose your four year old?" Probably because people don't want to try to imagine what it would be like and also because they simply don't want to open any wounds for me. Instead there is this strange silence that permeates my life. While Kendra was sick there was always someone who wanted an update and there was always something to tell them, even if it was "things are still the same." But now she is gone and the drama of it all has gone with her.

As I sit here thinking about my life I realize just how alone I feel. How alone I have always felt. I think to my self "well I know that there are people who care about me" but I'm longing for something more, some real interaction.

Luckily, I have started to develop some friendships, which I know need a lot of work before I can say, 'hey I have a best friend', but I am grateful to know that at least people care even if they aren't sure how to be around me.

So I am thinking about these experiences I have had in my life and I realize, 'you know, this is all new to me just like it is new to everyone else' So I think to myself, 'since we are all beginners I guess we have to go out and try to live this life and learn from our mistakes. We should STOP being embarrassed about who we are and what is happening in our lives, and realize it's okay to get a little bit dirty in the process of learning.'

One thing I have learned is, people would LOVE to have you clean their house, but they don't want you to see the mess! What a strange paradox. However, I am typically the opposite I would gladly let someone in my house with out an appointment. So I am left wondering if my house is just so messy that people come to help and when they step inside they get so overwhelmed that they don't even know where to start? This gives me the urge to just start shoving things in the closets and hiding things so that my guests wont be overwhelmed, but what I really want to do is start sorting through all the things in my house with my guest because I am hoping they have the knowledge of what to do with each item we come across. Unfortunately I have found that usually my guests are simply overwhelmed and I am left to sort through the mess my self.

So the insight I have taken away is that where I usually thought of myself as weak or vulnerable, I have had to become strong to face the challenges that lie ahead and when others are overwhelmed by my mess, it's okay. They can walk away because they usually have a mess of their own that I don't know about and I can still get my house clean. It may take longer than I would like but eventually I hope I will be able to open all my closets and show everyone, I have nothing to hide.