This is all new to me...

So, as you can imagine having a child die of cancer is a very surreal experience. Many people don't know what to say and I imagine many don't want to hear about it, but as a mother who has lost my four year old I think I will take the time to put my thoughts and feelings out there for anyone who is interested in knowing.

When I was in high school I got married at 16. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!! Well to be honest losing a child is in some ways the same for me as when I got married at 16. Now I know your saying, "What?? She's totally wacked!" But hear me out.

So I get married in the 10th grade and leave for my honeymoon. The whole time feeling home sick like a little girl who has never had a sleep over before. And when I get back to school people are curious. "what is it like to be married?" Well folks, my life has never been what I would call "normal" but I say to them, "um I don't know, like normal." What the heck am I supposed to say? This life is the only life I know so that makes it "normal" to me.

So as time goes on I settle into my "married routine" I get up for school and I spend all day studying and I read novels in between classes and at lunch. Then after school I go home to a husband who is still sleeping because he works the grave yard shift. I wake him up, (because his mommy never taught him how to wake his self up) and we spend some time together just us....and the in-laws =) Of course we are living with the in-laws, he's 21 and I'm 16 and still in high school. We have dinner, sit around the boob tube watching British comedies. Mom in-law cooks for us all, husband goes to work, I do home work and read my novel again till bed time. This is pretty much it folks that was what it was like to be married in the beginning. No going out to bars or partying on the weekends, no "wild stuff." We went to the prom on our first anniversary. That seems so silly to me looking back, I felt so out of place we left early.

So now I am in this situation that is again somewhat novel to people around me, but we've all grown up a little and no one wants to come out and ask, "what's it like to lose your four year old?" Probably because people don't want to try to imagine what it would be like and also because they simply don't want to open any wounds for me. Instead there is this strange silence that permeates my life. While Kendra was sick there was always someone who wanted an update and there was always something to tell them, even if it was "things are still the same." But now she is gone and the drama of it all has gone with her.

As I sit here thinking about my life I realize just how alone I feel. How alone I have always felt. I think to my self "well I know that there are people who care about me" but I'm longing for something more, some real interaction.

Luckily, I have started to develop some friendships, which I know need a lot of work before I can say, 'hey I have a best friend', but I am grateful to know that at least people care even if they aren't sure how to be around me.

So I am thinking about these experiences I have had in my life and I realize, 'you know, this is all new to me just like it is new to everyone else' So I think to myself, 'since we are all beginners I guess we have to go out and try to live this life and learn from our mistakes. We should STOP being embarrassed about who we are and what is happening in our lives, and realize it's okay to get a little bit dirty in the process of learning.'

One thing I have learned is, people would LOVE to have you clean their house, but they don't want you to see the mess! What a strange paradox. However, I am typically the opposite I would gladly let someone in my house with out an appointment. So I am left wondering if my house is just so messy that people come to help and when they step inside they get so overwhelmed that they don't even know where to start? This gives me the urge to just start shoving things in the closets and hiding things so that my guests wont be overwhelmed, but what I really want to do is start sorting through all the things in my house with my guest because I am hoping they have the knowledge of what to do with each item we come across. Unfortunately I have found that usually my guests are simply overwhelmed and I am left to sort through the mess my self.

So the insight I have taken away is that where I usually thought of myself as weak or vulnerable, I have had to become strong to face the challenges that lie ahead and when others are overwhelmed by my mess, it's okay. They can walk away because they usually have a mess of their own that I don't know about and I can still get my house clean. It may take longer than I would like but eventually I hope I will be able to open all my closets and show everyone, I have nothing to hide.