Married at sixteen...

One of my friends commented about my marriage at sixteen. She was rather shocked that someone would actually allow their child to marry at sixteen. Well, honestly if it was my daughter, knowing what I know now, I would have handcuffed her and hid her in a dungeon or something extreme until she was 25.  But that isn't what happened with me...

I never really intended to get married at sixteen. I honestly wanted to wait till I was out of high school and I believe that if I had done that I never would have ended up marrying my first husband. I have one word to describe him, "sophomoric". Now I know that word doesn't seem too bad, but seriously... if you have grown past your sophomore year and actually attained adulthood...being married to someone who is sophomoric is a very unpleasant business. (the definition of sophomoric is: "being over confident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature") Unfortunately he is STILL sophomoric - deep sigh-

I realize that a lot of people wonder why I married so young and I was often asked if I married because I was pregnant, well the answer is no. I didn't actually get pregnant until we had been married two years. But there were reasons why I was interested in marrying young, most of which made sense to a naive sixteen year old.

I remember the day that my mother met Ryan. He was actually 20 and I was fifteen.  He came to the door to pick me up one evening sporting his stetson, tight fitting wranglers, and cowboy boots. His shirt was unbuttoned half way down revealing a chest full of hair and he had a mustache. I am sure my mother must have had something akin to a heart attack when she opened the door.

Later she informed me that I should not see this man because he was too old for me... (five years compared to a thirteen year age difference between her and my father)  Of course, being the dumb, know it all, rebellious teenager I was, I basically informed her "sorry I'm doing this my way." Months went by with my mother complaining about his age and his "intentions". She was determined to break us up and of course I am thinking "mom are you CRAZY? he is out of school, he has a job, he can spend money on me...." you know all the things that would attract a juvenile...

SO my mother decided she was going to scare Ryan off. Her method was to tell us that we either had to break up or get married.  So I -in my sixteen year old genius- tell my mother "okay we decided we want to get married!"  I was absolutely sure that would freak her out and she would back off, but...I was wrong. She totally called my bluff. She wanted to know a when!

So there I was in the beginning of the tenth grade and planning a wedding. I thought life was going to be so much easier once I didn't have to answer to mommy. Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of an adult when you're in desperate need of it? (That is, in high school when you make all those life changing decisions about what you are going to do with the rest of your life.--college, job, marriage...)   

So April came and so did our wedding. Honestly I should have had the marriage annulled immediately because something in me kept saying, you're going to out grow him. But I didn't listen. I kept telling myself "I'm on my way now" I have learned that I ALWAYS end up regretting not listening to my inner self, my intuition, or what ever you want to call it, always turns out to be right.

But being married was good at first, that is until I really decided to grow up. That's when things went south for us. My grades went from D's and F's to honor roll and stayed there through my entire high school career. I made the decision that I wanted a family and that meant I couldn't drink or smoke or do anything that would compromise a child I would carry. Besides I always felt guilty if I drank so I didn't do that often anyway. So I gave up everything that is considered harmful...well okay I kept drinking Mt Dew even though it is rumored to have twice the caffeine...But I changed my whole life style so that I could prepare to become a mother, I was about 17.

While I was in the 11th grade I decided it was time to start my family. I was thrilled with the idea although my guidance counselor kept telling me, "you'll never graduate"  I knew I would and I was eager to show him I was not just a statistic. So I moved ahead with my plans to start a family. That really was where things went south. Ryan didn't care if I chose to stop smoking or drinking (he never was a big drinker) but when I decided I needed God in my life to help me raise my children and I wanted him to invite God into his life, well that was more than he wanted to take on. As far as he was concerned I could do what ever I wanted as long as I didn't force my ideals on him.

We actually lasted ten years. An amazing feat considering the difference in his mental state and mine. But I really believed that I had promised this man "through good times and bad" and that meant I had to put my whole heart into it.  But eventually it was obvious to me that there was absolutely no future there and it was time to leave.  It took nine years for me to be absolutely sure we couldn't make it together and another year to actually leave. But that is a story for another time.

The moral to this story is... NEVER sign the permission slip for your sixteen year old to get married. Tell them, "you can be engaged for two years and marry when you're 18". Chances are that even if they are saying it is what they want, deep down they are more than likely questioning if it really is what they want, AND if you give them a couple of years with their boyfriend they will more than likely wake up and see for themselves that he is not what they are really looking for and they will move on. I know I would have if I hadn't have said "I do" And the best part is...because you let them go ahead and date, you won't be the bad guy in the end, the boyfriend will!